How to Get Your Ass Kicked

There is a lot of advice out there about how to break up with somebody. I didn't realize there was a good way. I can't imagine dumping your significant other (or even worse, getting dumped) and thinking, "That sure was enjoyable! It's a good thing I didn't spoil the occasion by using email."

"How to break up with someone" is like instructions on how to get your ass kicked. Which, now that I think about it, might be more useful. So without further fanfare, I present to you:

Chris's Guide to Getting Your Ass Totally Kicked

In today's society where bullies rule and the rest cower in soulless despair, we sometimes have to cope with the challenges of getting the crap kicked out of us. If this happens to you, first try to muster the strength to fight back, but if you had sufficient willpower and martial skills you wouldn't be in the position in the first place. Quickly accept that you are way out of your league, take your lumps, and hope for no permanent damage.

Don't procrastinate. You will be living in extreme anxiety until it's all over. Find the most convenient time and place and take your medicine. Also, make sure you have no first dates or job interviews for the next several weeks. (Depending on the job or the date. Some may find a slightly tenderized candidate more appealing.)

Try to take the first shot in the face. This functions like anesthetic. The rest of the pummeling will be experienced in a dreamlike haze. Fetal position is a classic defensive posture that I recommend. It protects your nose, teeth and vital organs. You may lose a kidney to a steel-toed boot, but that's why you were built with a spare.

Once the alpha male's fists get tired and he wanders off to his next scene of carnage, get home. (You may want to arrange a ride with a friend ahead of time. It is polite to suggest he cover his passenger seat with plastic.) Clean yourself up and let the healing begin. Straight whiskey is a traditional post-ass-kicking beverage though beer is also acceptable. Protect what little manhood you have left by avoiding the girly drinks.

Now get out in public. You will be the center of attention for the next few days while you repeatedly share the tale of how you got that awesome shiner.